The two week mark

Hello! It is late in the day but I said I would post today. The scale was a disappointment this morning. I was only 30 down so I gained. But, my friend who is exclusively juicing and doing great, explained to me that my digestive system was essentially shut down and that now there are things throughout my digestive system, which could explain why I'm only 30 down instead of 34 or more. Isn't that gross? Euww. But, I feel a little better. She always makes me feel better. So, along with many other things in my life, I need to evaluate what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and decide what changes I need to make to make it work. I am going to get this right! I'm going to CONTINUE to lose weight and get healthier and feel better. I've been in pain, still. I guess I haven't mentioned that yet, have I?

I was pretty cocky about my health being so good, in spite of my massive size. I would get annoyed that it was always assumed I had diabetes and other health problems. I could get around very well for the longest time. It was only within the past few years that that changed. So, my first problem was sleep apnea. I am not even sure how long I've had that now. It has been probably about 8 or 9 years I would guess? I knew it was attributed to my weight, I also knew that my parents both snore. So, "that could be hereditary too". I'll fast forward to about 2 years ago, maybe 3. I started having back pain and some knee pain. My feet started hurting REALLY bad. A friend suggested that perhaps I had diabetes. I finally went to the doctor and the doctor I saw that day so lovingly (NOT) informed me that I was now the proud "owner" of a disease. I had diabetes. I wasn't too happy about that. My mom was diabetic so as soon as I could call her without crying, I did. Oh, and, I cried. About 7 months after I was diagnosed with diabetes, my back decided it was done being nice to me. It really took a cold hearted approach to it too. I was in excruciating pain for months. I could barely move. I was (and still am) too big to get a proper MRI. The x-rays showed either a degenerative disk or something of that sort. Oh, and FYI..if an MRI machine says "up to 500 lbs" and you call and talk to the staff and make sure it will be BIG ENOUGH to accommodate your size, be prepared for it to only be WIDE ENOUGH for a 90 lb person. I could write a book on the humiliating experiences I've had. Sadly, they began even before I hit 200 lbs, though those were only the teasing and taunting I got from people who were complete jerks. That being said, I must be an idiot for getting so big. One would think. I digress. So, back to my medical issues. I discovered by accident that if I slept in a recliner, my back was better and I could function the next day! It was like a miracle. I slept in a recliner for a year and 8 months until the past week when I've been able to sleep in my bed more. I am able to function in the morning, even though it does hurt. It's not like before. I'm sure the 30 pounds has done this! I haven't slept in my bed every night, but I have slept in it a few times and sleeping in my bed has been extremely rare for almost 2 years. Now, my left knee has been hurting quite a bit, it started hurting a few days before the juice fast. Oddly enough, my right knee was always the problem child before. I would be feeling pretty good if it weren't for the knee (and the neuropain in my feet). I am hoping that the knee just gets better, as my aches and pains often do. My pain through the past couple of years has been severe. I've had issues even being able to fall asleep most of the time. I was on a bunch of medications for pain management, I have gone off most of them because they were just making me numb and tired, they weren't actually making the pain go away, they were just eventually making me tired enough to fall asleep in spite of it. Not only did I have the back pain, I had a lot of sciatic pain that would shoot everywhere. I also had the neuropain, which I still have. This past year I have learned that moving more, in spite of the pain, makes things better.

I'm really trying to not be long winded, and apologize because I have failed miserably! I am just trying to set the stage. So, I pretty much missed out on truly enjoying my 20s and 30s. A week to the day before my 39th birthday, my mom passed away. That was a very hard blow to me. My mom often had prophetic dreams and a few months prior to her passing, she had a dream that she came to see me and I was thin. The pain of losing my mom seemed unbearable at times. Even now it does at times. It has been very hard the past few weeks, not having her here. I try not to think about her because it hurts, but she's always in my thoughts. The reason I mention all of this is this...how can a sane, intelligent person do this to the people they love? Why does it take so much to make me do what I need to do for my health? I'll mention in another post what kind of affect this has on my loved ones. How can I NOT do something for my health? My family loves me, I don't want them to have to go through what I went through when I lost my mom. Ok, this is wayy too deep! I did not mean to be a downer. I feel so self-centered blogging about me me me me. This is a blog about me though, and my process. If I can help ONE person, it would be amazing! If I could help a lot of people, which is what I want to do with my experience, it just might make it worth it. I can't speak for my family, but I can speak for me. If I can keep other people from losing their health and/or lives, if I can be someone who can inspire them, it just might be worth it.

Thank you to anyone who is reading my blog, I appreciate it! I promise to not always be a downer, I just want to be open and honest, no matter how uncomfortable that may be for me.

Dinah