Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Demons and other bad stuff

Hi! Was anyone waiting on the edge of their seat for a new post from me? You don't have to answer that, lol. I have been thinking about various things to write about for 2 days. I've been having a very rough time in my personal life, it actually started before the juice fast but I was able to feel somewhat in control over something in my life and it was the juicing. I had the attitude that I would control THAT if nothing else. When the juicing was making me more insane than normal..it was making me downright psychotic, I decided that it was best for myself and my loved ones if I ate food. It got out of control from there. I know how to eat healthy, I know what portion control is. I get all of that. I'm not eating everything in sight but I've had my moments.

What have I noticed in the past two days? A lot more pain again. My back pain,it never completely went away, but it is worse again. My sciatic pain is back too. My neuropain was there all along, but the intensity had gone down. It's back to where it was. I am back to being tired most of the time and wired in the middle of the night.

I have been amazed at myself and my complete lack of control. I wish I could talk about the things spiraling out of control in my personal life, but I decided early on that I would be focusing on the health and wellness part of it all. My feelings regarding my health, weight loss, etc. There are places for that, this just isn't one of them.

I am not giving up. I can't. I know that I will die if I do. I don't want to die. I've had a lot of things I really want to do that I've thought about lately. The fact that I eat things I shouldn't and eat too much is a complete contradiction of what I want for myself. I know I have SOO many demons to conquer. Obviously if a person gets this fat and unhealthy, there are reasons they ever allowed it in the first place. Compulsive eating is an actual eating disorder, an actual addiction. It isn't one that gets any sympathy though. In my studies, and life experiences, if a person has any other addiction or any other eating disorder, they are considered sick and in need of help. It doesn't work that way for someone who eats too much. I'm not wanting sympathy by writing that, I'm just writing what I've seen through the years. Even in my Psychology texts there is very little attention given to it.

All of that being said, I AM going to get this right. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate (I don't mean the food, I mean stuff I am dealing with). I loved how I felt when I wasn't in as much pain and was dropping at the rate of 3 lbs a day. I want to feel good again. Three weeks ago today this all started. I can't believe how much has happened in only 3 weeks! It's hard to believe. I know that a lot can happen in the next 3 weeks. I'd like to put in a request that it be GOOD stuff, not bad! :)
I'm still here.
I WILL get this right.
I hope nobody gives up on me, I have hit a bump in the road, I need to find a way to get up and keep going.


  1. I'm not giving up on you, on us!

    I read a post the other day and some were saying that people like us should be called out. We keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and we disgust them because we don't learn. Well, screw them. We're trying damnit. We have heart and some day we will get it. Just because they have it now doesn't mean they're not going to lose it again some day too.

    You fall down, you get back up. We're like freakin weebles!!! We might wobble, but we don't fall down!

    Love ya g/f!!! I'll be your cheer leader...shaking my pom pons...can you see????

  2. Thanks for the laughs Debby! I wonder if the people saying those things were as dedicated as you and worked long and as hard as I've seen you work?

    I am like a weeble in MANY ways! LOL

    No..I can't see, can you send me a video of you shaking your pom pons please? Please wear your sparkly tiara..that will be even more encouraging! ;)
    Thanks Debby!!!